Monday, September 12, 2011
A much happier Jed
Y'all knew that eventually I would have to post something happier... well, here it is.
Wallowing long enough to be getting comfortable I have connected with someone. We just returned from a lengthy trip to the forgotten coast where we bonded over a near death experience fighting King Neptune in the after effects of a tropical storm. She takes very good care of me and I try to do the same for her. We are hoping to keep it as simple as possible as we have both led complicated lives.
Wish me luck as I continue to try and not make matters worse.
Wallowing long enough to be getting comfortable I have connected with someone. We just returned from a lengthy trip to the forgotten coast where we bonded over a near death experience fighting King Neptune in the after effects of a tropical storm. She takes very good care of me and I try to do the same for her. We are hoping to keep it as simple as possible as we have both led complicated lives.
Wish me luck as I continue to try and not make matters worse.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Connected disconnect
There is this need to reach out and retreat all at the same time with me lately. It brings to mind the lyrics of a song a dear friend wrote... "I try and stay one step ahead of my ghost while I'm burning the bridges that I care about most".
While facing ghost last night I smacked my closest allies right square in the jaw emotionally speaking. Sorry, but not sorry. Connected, but not connected. The moon did come up like a neon lemon and my ghost caught up with me while I paused to feel the heat from the road.
Damn selfishness on my part is the only excuse I can offer. Pure old pride, the gateway to the other seven deadly ones got to me. In the haunting way things like that do... they are... they did.
Beg forgiveness while I bite the hand that feeds me? Yep, sounds about right for a self defeating dog on a long enough leash to get up to full speed before choking hard. Yep, thankful for that long lead, most of the time, the time just before the throat of emotion closes tight.
Trying hard to not make matters worse does not mean achievement at all. No, not at all, recon it is the trying that matters? The key to this blogs tagline "trying"... try and stay one step ahead of my ghost.
While facing ghost last night I smacked my closest allies right square in the jaw emotionally speaking. Sorry, but not sorry. Connected, but not connected. The moon did come up like a neon lemon and my ghost caught up with me while I paused to feel the heat from the road.
Damn selfishness on my part is the only excuse I can offer. Pure old pride, the gateway to the other seven deadly ones got to me. In the haunting way things like that do... they are... they did.
Beg forgiveness while I bite the hand that feeds me? Yep, sounds about right for a self defeating dog on a long enough leash to get up to full speed before choking hard. Yep, thankful for that long lead, most of the time, the time just before the throat of emotion closes tight.
Trying hard to not make matters worse does not mean achievement at all. No, not at all, recon it is the trying that matters? The key to this blogs tagline "trying"... try and stay one step ahead of my ghost.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
New Look for a New Life
Trying a new look to hopefully not make matters worse.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Observation #: 1,000,001aka turning point
As I look back at all the devastation I can clearly see the power play and war of wills that went on. I hope we both feel peace soon.
I had a conversation with a friend last night... a great conversation that helped me a lot. A conversation that gave "big picture oversight" to my situation. We spoke about vows, the ones you take in a marriage, the ones you should keep, but forget in your struggle to get what you need to survive. The details set aside are null and unimportant in this line of thought.
LOVE / HONOR / CHERISH
I was not cherishing her enough in her eyes, and she was not honoring me enough in my eyes, but the love was still there. The love is what made us crazy with the other two in terrible imbalance. The troublesome unforgivable acting out on both sides ended the marriage vows and it came from both sides progressively worsening until we reached some invisible point of no return. I regret not being able to see that pivotal point as much as she does.
Now we are in another war of wills, playing the court system game. A further and important point in our "big picture" conversation that sets aside the null details was the conclusion that trying to steal peace from someone never gives you any peace at all. And with that in mind, remembering that time is linear and unidirectional and any time spent being unhappy is time you will never get back.
Enough said for now. Wish me luck as I try to not make matters worse. There has been enough effort on both our sides to make matters worse and end the love part of that vow lately... it lays in three neatly broken pieces and we move on.
I had a conversation with a friend last night... a great conversation that helped me a lot. A conversation that gave "big picture oversight" to my situation. We spoke about vows, the ones you take in a marriage, the ones you should keep, but forget in your struggle to get what you need to survive. The details set aside are null and unimportant in this line of thought.
LOVE / HONOR / CHERISH
I was not cherishing her enough in her eyes, and she was not honoring me enough in my eyes, but the love was still there. The love is what made us crazy with the other two in terrible imbalance. The troublesome unforgivable acting out on both sides ended the marriage vows and it came from both sides progressively worsening until we reached some invisible point of no return. I regret not being able to see that pivotal point as much as she does.
Now we are in another war of wills, playing the court system game. A further and important point in our "big picture" conversation that sets aside the null details was the conclusion that trying to steal peace from someone never gives you any peace at all. And with that in mind, remembering that time is linear and unidirectional and any time spent being unhappy is time you will never get back.
Enough said for now. Wish me luck as I try to not make matters worse. There has been enough effort on both our sides to make matters worse and end the love part of that vow lately... it lays in three neatly broken pieces and we move on.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
I guess I'll just go away
I guess it will be easier on the majority if I just go away. I was one of the couples in that scene... now I can't seem to find my place in it anymore since she coupled with someone else in that same scene.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Kick my ass
All day today I tried to get someone to kick my ass because I am growing weary of doing it all myself. I still do not understand why she felt I did not love her. I know I was disappointed, discouraged and all kinds of dis-words with her for some crazy character quirks that were impossible to understand. Perhaps she was acting out some stuff in her head, but these things were just common "rules" we all must abide by. Now I have been blamed for things that were not about me at all... addiction, infidelity and outright fraud to everyone. I can't and won't help her work this out. I guess I am much better off, but my heart is still hers in a lot of ways.
Perhaps her boyfriend can help not make matters worse.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Stop thinking
I Just wish I could stop thinking about it. It is all the time.
