Sunday, November 26, 2006

Church Revisited

God's eye view of my old church

The past two days have been a bit odd for me. I have been working on Market Square Mall for the kick-off of the Christmas in the City. I have been there fourteen hours each day. Me and my bosses boss have been working this event and getting to know each other. That has been great as he is a very dynamic conversationalist, and the time passes quickly. Our duties there are to set up power drops for the event, manage and solve problems, then take it all down. So, there is time to kill between problems. The time killing brings me to the meat and taters of this post.

As my days there waned, I kept seeing people from my past life, my past church life from my hometown. Each time it was a bitter-sweet realization, as I felt I had traveled zillions of miles from where I was, when we were in fellowship. While they stayed seemingly in the same jobs, with the same spouse, in the same house, shackled to the same church, devoted to the same questionless faith, and blinded with the same innocence from my point of view. Don't get me wrong here, I am sure they faced many trials during the past seven tenths of a decade.

We were friends for most of ten years in that church, and I could remember the husbands name right off. The wife and kids names were faded in my memory banks, although the faces were clear connections to the father of the family. Every time I spotted them in the crowds and called casually out to say hello, I felt weird vibes. I am not sure if it was my guilt or theirs that caused the rift. Was it the gossip of my divorce that circled the clicks? Was it my bitterness for feeling dumped by them? I am pondering it deeply now in retrospect. Have I changed that much? Has the world changed? Does the Bible mean something different now that I have argued with God and lost?

I wanted so badly to tell God to get off my hill, when suffering loss after loss, while trying to abide by his word. I even had a time where I wished the Devil would offer me some shiny trinket for my ever loving soul. He never came calling like the Charlie Daniels song...He must have filled his quota I guess. One thing I know without a doubt now is that God is a persistent chap, as my across the pond brothers might say.

As I had my casual visits with the ex-church crowd, I secretly wondered if these men had ever taken their faith out for a test ride like I did. Did they ever push it to the very limits to see if it would break or fail? Had they ever felt so hopeless and alone they offered a deal to the dark side for earthly relief? I guess I can't even offer an answer as it is their relationship with God and not mine.

Perhaps I did not remember the wife's name, because I did not want to get close to them emotionally. My own marriage was so loveless at the time, I could have fallen into one of their beds in my desire for passion. Who the hell knows? I do know one thing it is good to have passion and natural desire. It is the thrill of living! It is awesome to have that need filled by a loving passionate wife. I don't have to fear my own motives when I ask a woman how she is doing in this world. I listen differently from traveled perspective now. I am not so sure these men I knew and re-met have that same security, so I won't be introducing them to my wife. It seems to be a common problem with churchy folks, this secret wife swapping crap. Hell at least with the un-churched sinners you can size them up and move along with some honesty. I mean if some swinger wants to play, at least you can politely say no to the straight out question, and you both can move on. Unlike them stopping by with the bible in their hand and a fire in their pants while you are at work.

I can't spend my time brow beating myself in church. It sizzles the passion right out of me and makes matters worse.
:: posted by Tennessee Jed, 10:45 AM


fassinatin post, sir. tiz true the hipocrussy duz bizness on bof sides of the streets n wurks all the allies too.
Blogger buddy don, at 12:52 PM  
Hi, bd welcome home! Yes I think being human makes a liar out of all of us sometimes. Thanks for understanding my post sir. I never claim I have got any answers so to not make matters worse.
Blogger Tennessee Jed, at 2:44 PM  
Followed your link over from my good friend Anne, at the Gods are Bored.
I think it great to know that at least a few men, such as yourself, took their God out for a test drive and put the peddle to the metal so to speak to see if it would hold up. If more were so inclined there would be alot less of the hypocrisy you refer to in this post. Enjoyed my visit here at your blog, will return I am sure,
have a good day
Blogger Scott, at 11:53 PM  
Hi Jed, you'll like Scott, he's a North Carolina dude.

If your church friends had truly been friends, motivated by their Holy Book, they would have been intensely interested in your life, happy for your happiness, and eager to be re-acquainted. Instead I'll bet they just passed judgment on you as they walked away in their coccoons.
Blogger Anne Johnson, at 9:18 PM  
What an insightful post! Your openess about such subjects is a breath of fresh air!
Blogger trancendyce, at 6:32 PM  
As always, you are a philosopher poet of the obvious,, yet it wasn't obvious to me, though it should have been. You have a way w/ words and seeing things.

I've always thought that a blind faith, and one never tested, ain't really much of a faith at all, but that's jes me. Lord knows I've been spiritually bankrupt a time or two.
Blogger Julie, at 9:03 PM  

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