Monday, December 19, 2005

Genetics of the Obvious

My parents R.I.P.

Man do I have too much on my mind! Forgive me, as I post in my haphazard way these thoughts and experiences.

My son and his son birthday zero

I spoke with my twenty one year old son this weekend and found that he is truly my son. I did not get to know he was my son until he was fifteen years old (long story). Genetics have a funny way about them that one can never learn from a book. His observations of his grief are so similar to my own it is a mirror made of flesh and bone. I love his charm…the charm my father had. His mannerisms are like my fathers other sons that I do not share a mother with. I told him that I felt he was lucky to get this dose of eye opening character building grief while he is young enough to benefit from it. Me on the other hand had lived a Donnareedism white boy sort of a life until I reached my mid thirties. It is too late for me to use my character building grief for anything good this late in the game of life. Or maybe not who can say? I chuckled when my son spoke of his allergy to hard liquor and the rash of handcuffs that follow his consumption. His little baby-making wife has let him down and took their boy out of his sight to live with a middle-aged man she is using to finance her procreation agenda. His funny observations of relationships and darkness with a whistle of light-hearted dismay make me proud to know him. His name is Joshua and his sons name is Wesley and I have faith that their genetics will bond them some day too. No matter what goes astray in this world it will settle like water in gravity and God’s time. He relayed to me that his ex-wife still comes around for some of his body while calling him from her sugar daddy’s home phone late at night to talk dirty. He calls this his “walk of shame”. I told him to only have his crotch banged and not his mind if he must play in that game. He says some woman wants to take him to Disneyworld for Christmas to visit her family timeshare condo. He also said a funny thing about that plan that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. He said, “Dad, you know how you see people on top of the world and they are just coming out of the Super bowl game saying ye haw now we are going to Disneyland? He went on to say, “Well it is kind of like that, my life is all fucked up and I am going to Disneyworld ye haw”. I told him I loved him and I am proud to know him. I begged him to not let the bitterness of relationships snuff his fire for life. We all have our agenda and it is nothing personal when someone kicks you around some emotionally to settle their nest.

Me and my grandson eight months later

Now that I have that relationship relayed in my memoirs here I will move to my half-sister (we share a mother). She and I were close until she married when I was six years old. We had a nice visit at a cheap Mexican restaurant where we were the ones who like the hottest food we can get; more genetics I guess. When we were going to part she starts to trickle at the eyelids and I told her not to cry we would be seeing her again soon. She had something else in her craw though it was a dream about our mom and her step-dad (my dad). She saw them in a familiar stance wishing that we would have a good Christmas in this dream. I told her again that living is the hard part and dying was the easy part of life to help ease her grief. It may only help to soothe my soul but I offer it for anyone who needs it.

There is so much spirit in my heart about family and what it means to me I want to explode today. I have become a crass and common man in my cold heart about many things the past few years, but I think I am on the thaw.

I see an emotional void closing with my daughters. The possibilities with this blending family and the impossibilities are daunting. I am learning and building character that I may never get to use before I die, but at least I am enjoying the ride. I do hope that time will cure a family cursed by multiple divorces and selfish survival methods while I try to not make matters worse.
:: posted by Tennessee Jed, 5:35 PM

3 Comments:

You are a good family man Jed -hard to say that about many people now a days and you inspire and empower your children as well and you partner w/ your spouse,,
you do good work for a tinted fodder philospher
Blogger Julie, at 11:16 PM  
Chief, me link to stinkhorn asap, you buyum I drinkum. Must be beer hard fire water gives me sons alergy.

Julie you are sweet but I think I just want to be a family man...I am not good at it.

buddy don thank you so much for finding some of my words that move you, that means volumes coming from a wordsmith of your degree. You continue to teach it must be your true calling.
Blogger Tennessee Jed, at 6:01 AM  
Beautifully written...you are good writer, good person and good family man.
Blogger red molly, at 8:04 AM  

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